Life of the Lintee Bean

Halloween is a time of tricks, treats, costumes, candy, and horror slasher movies.  So, it seems the perfect day for my surgery.

One “trick”, in my case, is that the surgery has nothing to do with my symptoms. I’ve been complaining for a year now of nausea. The nausea hasn’t gone away, but it’s been joined by acid reflux, abdominal pain, and chest pain. The doctors ran tests and still have no idea why I have most of these symptoms, but they did discover a tumor on my appendix.

I got my first tattoo in February, the formula for the probability of survival.  This is the perfect tattoo for a math geek, in my opinion.  It’s like having “hope” in math speak.  Ironically, I got it right over where there’s now a tumor. Nice “trick”.

I’m not sure what my “treat” is.  It’s unlikely any of my symptoms will improve post-surgery, except possibly the abdominal pain on the lower right side.  I think I deserve a treat, and I have a few in mind.  I could wake up post-op to discover that my appendix weighed 40 pounds and I can wear all my clothes that don’t fit.

A friend said all surgeons are arrogant.  I want my surgeon to be arrogant – or at least extremely self-confident.  I don’t want a surgeon that says “I might be able to do this… or I might muck it up entirely and kill you…”  My surgeon seems very sure of himself, though, he is mean.  He refuses to perform a tummy tuck as long as he’s cutting me up.

No candy for me this Halloween, as obviously I have to fast before surgery.  I’m allowed only clear liquids the day before surgery, and I have to drink another gallon of foul liquid. If you’ve ever had a colonoscopy, you’re probably familiar with GoLytly – which does NOT make you “go lightly”.  It should be called “go quickly” or “go violently” or just “go to the bathroom – all day”.

Our Halloween costumes will be surgical masks and gowns, except me.  I get to wear a horrific hospital gown.  I see no reason these gowns are made of either tissue paper or torn stained nasty fabric.  At a minimum, why can’t they be a size that fits the average person? They are either so small the ties have no hope of joining, or so large it’s ridiculous. They’re always torn so you’re entirely exposed. If I could sew, I’d make my own – a cute little gown with ruffles.  The hospital probably doesn’t allow that. I think the gowns are intentionally awful to prevent you from changing your mind and running away.  They’re the hospital’s equivalent of the bright orange jumpsuits for convicts.

A friend of mine is expecting her first child, and her doctor said she had a beautiful cervix.  I’m jealous.  My doctors say I have an ugly appendix. So, they’re going to remove it, and chop it up for biopsy. My own personal slasher movie – minus the screaming. I still hold out some hope they’ll find the mass is actually an alien love child from an abduction I cannot recall. I can crochet hats for its three little heads and booties for its numerous legs.

I wish you all a very happy Halloween filled with pleasant tricks, treats, costumes, candy, and slasher horror movies.

Submitted for publication in the Greeley Citizen

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