Life of the Lintee Bean

My friends seemed to like the tape measure covers I’d made, so I made some more last weekend.  I made one that vaguely resembled a horse, and another that was supposed to look like Harry Potter.

Horsing around with tape measure covers

magical Harry Pottery tape measure

Then one wonderful friend brought a minor issue to my attention – the tape measures don’t MEASURE properly!  The centimeter side seems fine, but the inch side is totally inaccurate.  Each inch marked on the measuring tape is actually around 1.25 inches!

What’s the point of tape measures that don’t measure?  My friends were all lovely about it, and assured me it was fine.  I don’t think it is.

I notified the seller of the issue, and got a reply saying they’d “try to fix the description”.  I hope I’m misunderstanding their intent.  Are they just going to note that these tape measures kind of measure things, but not correctly? These measuring tapes show centimeters on one side and something else (but not really inches) on the other?

Speaking of defective merchandise, why is it SO hard to find a drinking bottle that doesn’t dribble all over you?  Yesterday I was trying to enjoy a beverage and landed up soaking wet, with pink stains all over the front of my shirt and pants. Surely the manufacturer knows you’ll tip the bottle and drink out of it, since that’s the whole purpose of the bottle. Why can’t they make it so all the liquid goes in your mouth?

Then there’s my personal defects. The doctors don’t seem to have figured out why I’ve been feeling under the weather. However, while looking for the culprit they think they found something else wrong.  Sometimes I think they make medical tests uncomfortable on purpose, so you’ll decide being sick really isn’t that bad. With all the advances in medical science, testing still involves being prodded, smashed, and poked, as well as drinking foul liquids.

I also don’t understand why doctor’s appointments never seem to take place at your actual appointment time. They know which patients are coming in, and why they’re coming in.  I can understand things running a bit late on occasion – but on Friday I finally saw my doctor an HOUR AND A HALF after my appointment time. He seemed perplexed as to why I looked unhappy.  Well, you see, I’m SICK, and I’ve been waiting for over an hour, and now you’re going to poke and prod me and ask me if it hurts. If I say it does, you’ll poke and prod me again to be sure. I think I should at least get to poke him back. Maybe next time I will, then ask him why he looks unhappy.

So this weekend I’m making covers for tape measures that are capable of MEASURING things, and I’m drinking foul liquids in anticipation of being poked and prodded Monday.  I also watched both my fantasy football teams lose. I guess they’re defective too.

Submitted for publication in the Greeley Citizen