Life of the Lintee Bean

Someone recently asked my roommate where we lived.  Upon hearing the answer, they jokingly asked her which gang she was affiliated with. Now, our neighborhood isn’t awful. However, the neighborhood just south of ours is, well, dicey… and the neighborhood just east of ours is, um, iffy.

So, the troublemakers from the south and the bad influences from the east do encroach upon us.  We get glass on the streets where cars were broken into.  My garage door was tagged last summer.  (Tagging is a graffiti “signature” of sorts painted on an accessible surface. By the way, I was very impressed with how quickly the “graffiti busters” came out to paint over the tag once I reported it.  Thank you, City of Chicago!)

We see small groups of “hooligans” we just know are up to no good.  A few years ago, there was a major drug bust in my neighborhood.  My friends called me excitedly, saying “Lynette, we can see your house on the news!”  More often, I just see a single person or a few people getting arrested.

Like my roommate, I’m not affiliated with any gang. I wouldn’t have a clue how to choose a gang or join one. I suspect they don’t have mission statements and web sites you can use in your search, like you can when seeking a new job.  Is there a site like Monster.com or CareerBuilder.com for gangs?  I bet not.

I doubt the gangs are actively recruiting 40-something old ladies with cats anyway.  So, I was thinking, maybe my roommate and I should start our own gang.

I’m pretty sure we need a gang color – and I’d like a color that’s flattering and pretty, maybe purple or dark green. I could crochet our members pretty scarves in our gang colors. I think you’re also supposed to get gang tattoos, but I hate to pressure anyone into that.  We could just draw on the skin with permanent marker.  That way, if you changed your mind, it’d eventually wear off.

You need a gang name, like the Kings or the Bloods. We could be the Lintee Bean Penguins. I like that name (and I like penguins). You also need individual nicknames. I’d like to stick with “Lintee Bean” though I don’t think that instills a sense of terror in anyone.  I could be wrong.

Most gangs seem to have a primary “business”, to raise funds.  I’d rather not get involved with drugs or weapons. Maybe our gang could raise funds with bake sales and craft shows. While my scarf sales have been less than impressive, I sold several “naughty” lip balm holders recently.  I could crochet little guns and knives and sell them.

I don’t want to tag other people’s property, as that’s just rude. Maybe we could just put up pretty signs and notices with pictures of flowers, butterflies, or rainbows… or penguins frolicking on the ice.  Better yet, we could announce our presence with crochet.  I know a woman who knits darling little sweaters for trees – I could crochet some in our gang colors.

I guess my next step is to get my roommate to join my new gang. (She might, if I promise to crochet her pretty scarves and sweaters in our gang colors and it’s a color she likes.) Maybe my cats, Rumpelmintz and Kitty.com, would join as well.  They don’t seem to care what color their collars are. They’d make good gang soldiers. Who knows, maybe next time someone asks which gang my roommate is affiliated with, she can ask them if they want to join.

Submitted for publication in the Greeley Citizen

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