Life of the Lintee Bean

I’ve lived in the Chicago area for almost 20 years now, believe it or not. I’ve lived in the city for over 15 years. I have to confess, I still don’t know my way around that well. Heck, I can’t even remember the names for the different highways. I don’t know why we can’t just refer to them by their numbers – like Highway 281. It doesn’t need a name, everyone knows the number. The number is what is posted on signs. Names are overrated.

I know my way around the Chicago neighborhoods I’ve lived in, all three of them – and the area where I work. That’s pretty much the extent of it. Now that I’m distributing cat food to a few regular customers, I’m learning a little more of the city, but there’s a LOT of city and I’ve certainly not covered all of it, not even MOST of it.

A couple of weeks ago, I took the plunge and purchased a navigation system. Yes, I’m now the owner of my very own GPS (global positioning system). That’s me, just five to ten years behind the latest in technological advancement. No need to rush into these things, I think.

So, I’ve been using my new GPS over the past week. At first, I used it to navigate trips I already knew how to make, just to get accustomed to it. The first time it blurted out directions, I have to say I nearly jumped out of my skin. Once I got used to the voice, it became like driving with an annoying passenger. “Turn left!” “Turn right!” I started talking back to her. “Which street? Turn now or the next corner? Soft right or hard right?” We’d get into disagreements where I thought we should go one way and she thought I should go another, and there was a lot of shouting back and forth.  Sometimes I’d drive along for a while and wonder if the GPS had fallen asleep.

After a few trips last weekend I thought I was up to trying a trip to a totally new destination Thursday with nothing but the GPS to guide me. Off we went. We got on to the tollway without a problem and headed off. GPS guided me to the correct exit. We’re getting close when suddenly GPS announces “satellite lost”. What? We’re LOST? Now what? I drive a few blocks then pull over into a parking lot. I didn’t have a backup plan. I hadn’t brought a map of the suburbs. I hadn’t printed off directions from any website, which is what I did before GPS. I had nothing but my GPS and she’d failed me.

So, now I’m driving around in a mall parking lot, wondering if I should turn around and head home. Suddenly, GPS decides we’re not lost, she knows the way! Now she’s shouting directions at me, but I CAN’T turn left or turn right – I’m in a parking lot! Once I exited the lot and we were on our way again, I’m glad to report we did arrive successfully at our destination.

submitted for publication in The Greeley Citizen